I’m a terrific sleeper. It is certainly a skill that I possess. And not only am I good at it, I enjoy it as well. I love getting my 8 hours, and the older I get the more I enjoy a good nap. Yet, tonight I can’t sleep. I laid in bed for the better part of two hours with not a drop of shut eye. And I hate it. I don’t like not being able to sleep, and I know tomorrow is going to be a miserable day because of it.
Typically, there are 3 reasons why I can’t sleep: 1) I’m not tired. Attribute it to too much caffeine, or too much sleep the night before, but sometimes people just aren’t tired. 2) Carey is snoring so loudly I can’t get my ears to stop bleeding. Although I have to admit that her snoring has been curbed as of late. 3) Something is bothering me and I can’t let it go.
Based on the fact that I’m exhausted and Carey has been quiet as a mouse tonight, we can come to the conclusion that it is number 3. Something is on my mind, and on my heart and I can’t shake it. What’s worse is the fact that I can’t quite put my finger on what it is. It’s intangible and the more I try to reach out and grab this thing the more elusive it becomes. I sit here tonight in the hopes of being able to pin it down, the hopes that a little rambling might bring to the surface that thing that is hanging over me right now. Here it goes….
I’m not who I want to be.
I’m not aging gracefully.
I’m not the husband or father I want to be.
I’m worried that my heart is a ticking time bomb.
I’m battling insecurities that a grown man shouldn’t be.
Okay, I think that about sums it up. Somewhere amongst the garbled statements lies the issue/issues that can’t escape me. In a former life, I made a terrific lunatic, and in this life, I wear the mask of sanity well.
The great Albert Einstein once said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.” And when summarized like that, then I’m defintely off my rocker. I continually make the same mistakes, exhibit the same behaviors, the same routine, and yet I expect things to be better, to get better, or to feel better. It simply doesn’t work that way. Life is what we make of it, and all I am doing right now is making it pass, and making it pass quickly.
Tonight I pray:
Lord, offer me a renewed spirit. Show me the path to become all that you want me to be, and all that I expect me to be. I am imperfect and overflowing with sin, and I ask your forgiveness and forgiveness from those I love. If it s Your will, grant me a clear mind, a loving heart, and the physical energy and desire for a new lifestyle. I thank you, Lord, for giving me the foundation, my family, for this change, and for placing on my heart that the time is here. Amen.
